A day in the life of Itachi
by BasicallyAnIdiot
Summary: Random, funny drabbles about Itachi's life in the Akatsuki.
1. Itachi's Thoughts

Wrote this because I felt like it. Enjoy!

Editor: RBMIfan

Author: BasicallyAnIdiot

Disclaimer: I don't own only thing….

Starting… Opening… Whatever…

Itachi's Thoughts

"When you hear the name Akatsuki you automatically think of missing-nins, demons, criminals and the like. However what most people don't know is that deep within the place they like to call base it's a different story…"

Itachi groaned as the light streaming through the window woke him from his sleep. How the light got there since the base is located underground we will never know. He rolled over to block out the light and promptly fell out of bed. While on the floor he fished out his prized pink bunny slippers and the pink housecoat Kisame had gotten him last Christmas. Donning the unlikely outfit he processed to stumble to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When finished, the pyro wobbled into the base's kitchen.

Itachi scooped up a breakfast of fries and a milkshake waiting n the kitchen counter and plucked himself in front of the TV. Kisame was in the corner knitting what we strongly suspect is a pink scarf for next Christmas. Sasori was in the kitchen making pancakes, he insisted that fries and a milkshake were not a proper breakfast foods and that the Akatsuki would come to ruin if they did not get proper nourishment. Deidara was in the corner, far away anything remotely breakable, making a rather large statue of a vampire unicorn with his exploding clay. Zetsu was seated at the table drinking his third cup of coffee and reading the morning newspaper. You have to wonder how the paperboy found the base.

Itachi flicked on the TV and nibbled on a fry as he switch to the Konoha News channel.

"And now our top stories. A market mess up leaves disgruntled citizens muttering against the Hokage. Orochimaru was spotted in the forest near Konoha, ANBU have found no leads. A young genin goes missing, to the shock of friends and teachers." The newsman announced dramatically.

'Boring.' Itachi thought, disappointed. 'But there's nothing else to do.' He settled into watch. He sat up straighter as a picture he knew all to well came up on the screen.

"After the Uchiha Massacre…" The announcer began, but Itachi was already in a ranting mood. When Itachi got into his ranting mood he tended to argue with the TV.

"They deserved it. Besides, they should have known it would happen sooner or later."

"…There were only two surviving Uchiha: Sasuke and Itachi…"

"Hasn't anyone noticed that we're brothers, yet?"

"…Of the two, Itachi went missing-nin and it appears that Sasuke is fallowing in his footsteps, joining up with the infamous Orochimaru…"

Itachi choked on his French fry, Kisame forgot what he was doing and poked himself with the knitting needle, Sasori's pancake landed unnoticed on his head, Deidara pushed the clay too hard and it exploded in his face and Zetsu spit out his coffee. All the Akatsuki members crowed around the TV. Deidara noticed then that Itachi was choking and began the Heimlich maneuver on him, while shouting, "You can't die on us now, un!"

Itachi coughed and spit out the fry. "Thanks."

Deidara, however, didn't hear him and continued.

"He isn't choking anymore." Zetsu pointed out, pulling Deidara off Itachi.

"No! Itachi's gonna die, un!" Deidara seemed to have gone a little funny from the stress. Itachi rolled his eyes and ignored him.

"Kisame." He said. Turning to the Kiri-missing-nin.

"Yes, Itachi, knit one, pearl two, knit one…."

"I thought Orochimaru had disappeared."

"Yes, Itachi, knit one, pearl two, knit one…."

"Did my foolproof plan fail?"

"Yes, Itachi, knit one, pearl two, knit one…."

"Did six years of being outcast go down the drain?

"Yes, Itachi, knit one, pearl two, knit one…."

"Did the massacre of my entire clan go to waste?"

"Yes, Itachi, knit one, pearl two, knit one…."

"Kisame, if you're listening say no."

"Yes, Itachi, knit one, pearl two, knit one…."

Itachi sweatdropped. Just then Akatsuki member Tobi walked by. He quickly turned and did a double take.

Deidara was crying in the corner, repeating over and over, "Itachi's dead. Itachi's dead." Kisame was knitting, as usual. Zetsu was tearing up the bathroom, looking for paper towels. Itachi –looking well alive- was rubbing his temples, an anger mark pulsing on his forehead, muttering painful ways to kill Kisame and the snake. Sasori was wearing a pink apron in the kitchen and…. is that a pancake on his head? The Suna missing-nin didn't appear to have noticed it yet.

Tobi shrugged and continued on his way to the Leader. After all there was nothing usual about that picture.

Tell me what you thought. Later! -


	2. Deidara's Dream

Disclaimer: We do not own Naruto. If we did the Akatsuki would not be the  
villains, to say the least.

Thought up by: BasicallyAnIdiot and RBMIfan  
Written by: RBMIfan  
Rating: T for confusing things, violence and traumatizing incidents (for  
Itachi and Deidara, at least).

Itachi Drabbles 2: Diedara's a bit messed up... (Deidara's Dream)

* * *

Deidara woke up in unfamiliar territory, immediately putting him on guard.  
Sitting up slowly, he looked around the cramped room. The walls were a  
washed out color and were falling apart in several places. He was in a  
corner right behind an overturned table. After determining that nobody was  
in the room with him he stood up, promptly falling back down in a cloud of  
dust as he discovered that gravity had gone a little funny while he was  
asleep.

Walking carefully around the table, he moved toward the only door in the  
room. As his hand touched it to push it open the door flew away into the  
pink sky. Wait a minute...pink? It seemed gravity wasn't the only thing  
that had gone a little funny.

Deidara gaped openly at the scenery before him. The sky was an angry  
shade of pink and contrasted starkly against the very blue sand that made  
up the ground. A little ways away from the doorway was a giant forest of  
cotton candy trees, even though trees aren't supposed to be able to grow in  
sand. Regardless, his eyes lit up at the sight of the sticky candy and,  
oblivious of the little voice in his head, that sounded oddly like Itachi,  
telling him rather rudely that this entire scene was not physically  
possible. The area behind him turned abruptly to red with little hearts and  
sparkles as he bounded toward the gloriously sweet substance that is  
cotton candy. He stopped suddenly and batted the sparkles away irritably  
before continuing as before minus the sparkles. Cotton candy or no, no  
self-respecting villain would be caught dead with sparkles.

Just as he was about to take a bite, he was interrupted by someone walking  
out of the forest. Normally, he would have just swatted them away for  
coming between him and his candy, but something made him pause. It wasn't  
just that the person was wielding a large frying pan. It wasn't even that  
the person had bright purple skin. It was the fact that the person looked  
exactly like him that put Deidara off. Well, except for the skin.

"Whaaat?" Deidara asked intelligently. The second Deidara didn't answer,  
instead it tilted its head a full 360 degrees, effectively creeping out  
Deidara. He was about to move to another, non-clone infested part of the  
forest when Itachi stepped out behind the Deidara clone. The Deidara clone  
spun about suddenly and rammed the Itachi in the head. Itachi fell to the  
ground, blood pouring from a huge gash in his head.

Deidara's eyes widened in horror and shock. Just as he was about to turn  
and run everything went black.

He woke up screaming, which earned him a pillow in the face from Sasori,  
who then rolled over and went back to sleep, used to Deidara's dreams by  
now. Upon confirming that the room was normal, he bolted from it. Running  
down the hall, he turned into Itachi's room and promptly glomped the  
sleeping prodigy, screaming "Itachi! Wake Up!" Itachi's eyes snapped open  
and he gave a strangled cry. Deidara was ecstatic, "You're alive!" and  
glomped even harder.

Once Deidara had been pulled off the long-suffering Uchiha by Kisame,  
Itachi sat up, rubbing his neck and glaring at the blond missing-nin warily.  
"Now, Deidara, we've talked about this before. You can't keep doing this  
every time you have a bad dream. It's a wonder Itachi hasn't been  
permanently traumatized by now." Kisame scolded Deidara before dragging him  
back to his own room. Yup, just another normal night at Akatsuki.


	3. Evil Itachi and Demonic Cats

Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto. We do, however, own a bunch of Naruto  
key chains, several Naruto collages, the manga series up to volume 9, Naruto: Clash of Ninja,and a  
partially finished Itachi costume. Not that you really needed to know that.

Thought up by: BasicallyAnIdiot and RBMIfan

Written by: RBMIfan

Oh yeah, in case you're all wondering. Because BasicallyAnIdiot is  
currently bogged down with stuff in her real life and  
her other fics, I will be taking over this fic and Given Up (whenever we  
get around to posting it).

Evil Itachi and Demonic Cats

Itachi staggered into his "room," which consisted of four black walls, a black floor and ceiling punctuated by a single window (which was physically impossible considering the base was underground) that was nearly always covered in black curtains. Various other typical bedroom objects (bed, dresser, ect.) also adorned the room, except they were very black. It's obvious where Sasuke gets his clothing preference from. He flopped down on his bed, fully intending to take a short (five hour) nap. He got this habit from Sasori, who normally slept an average of twenty hours a day. Just as he was about to commence with this daily ritual an annoyed meow snapped him out of his thoughts. He turned to see  
a black (of course) cat jump down from where she had been almost squished, glaring the patented Uchiha glare at him accusingly. It's a little known fact that the Uchiha's invented glaring, mostly to annoy the Hyuuga's.

"Oh. It's you. I thought you ran away." He commented in his usual monotone that he'd also gotten from Sasori. Said puppetmaster had threatened to charge him with plagiarism if Itachi stole anything else from him. Needless to say, this didn't stop Itachi. The court case is pending.

The cat just looked at him as if to say "and then who would feed me?" As if she wasn't perfectly capable of manipulating some poor sot to give her his entire food supply. Itachi scowled but allowed the cat to jump up next to him, sitting in what Kisame swore was a patented "Itachi Pose." Sasori was beginning to think the two were related, and not just because neither of them had a problem with plagiarism.

They had found her wandering the halls of the base one-day, though no one had any idea how  
she'd gotten in. I mean, with people as paranoid as Itachi and Sasori in there it was pretty much impossible to get in there (or anywhere the pair had described "off limits," as Deidara and Kisame found out the hard way when they'd tried to steal Itachi's pocky supply). She'd taken a liking to Itachi, much to his annoyance. Not that you could blame him. What self-respecting evil mastermind wants a cute little kitty following him everywhere? Even if she _could_ glare like an Uchiha. He'd soon found uses for her, though...(insert patented Itachi evil laugh here. Or maybe Sasori's…he's been complaining about his evil laugh being stolen lately).

"Hey, Itachi! Deidara ate the last of your pocky!" Kisame informed the  
Uchiha at that point. Itachi looked up in surprise. Deidara had gotten past the Cerberus? Then he remembered that he'd left it lying around last night (what good is a cutting edge security system if you just leave the stuff lying around?). Kisame wouldn't normally tattle, but Deidara had probably stolen his shark plushie again.

Said blond chose that moment to come running up behind Kisame. Big mistake. "Don't  
believe anything Kisame tells you, yeah!" Which pretty much confirmed his guilt. He stopped abruptly at the sight of the cat. "Oh, no. _It's_ back." Insert high pitched girly scream here.

Itachi grinned evilly before saying to the cat, rather evilly, which fit with the theme of his room rather well. "Sic 'em." Now don't tell me you weren't expecting that.  
Deidara screamed very femininely (again), confirming Itachi and Kisame's suspicion about his true gender, and ran away, closely followed by the demonic (it's been proven, at least according to Deidara. This just caused Itachi to laugh at him and keep the cat) cat.

Itachi smirked as he listened to the chaos he had caused (which now included Sasori screaming at Deidara for breaking his latest puppet and the leader, in between sneezing, screaming about "getting that cursed cat out of here!") Yes, it was good to be evil.

* * *

Tell us what you think!


	4. Mass Chaos, err, Dinner at The Akatsuki

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Spiderman.

Chapter Four: Mass Chaos-err, Dinner At Akatsuki

* * *

It was a little known fact that Konoha got a lot of earthquakes, and nobody was quite sure why. Various theories ranging from angry gods to belching echoes had been presented. One obscure scientist had come up with some theory that had to do with fault lines, but nobody listened to him. After all, who believed in fault lines, anyway?

But that's beside the point. The point is that the real reason for the earthquakes was the last thing anyone suspected. In fact, it had never crossed anyone's mind and if it had the person would have been labeled as insane or paranoid, so unlikely was this reason. It did, however, explain a lot of otherwise inexplicable occurrences, such as the fact that Sasuke always had the nagging feeling that someone was watching him and, of course, the earthquakes.

The reason is that directly below the famous village of Konoha (specifically, below the Uchiha Household) is the base of the equally infamous Akatsuki organization. Bet you didn't see that coming. But that doesn't explain the earthquakes- or does it? (Cue dramatic zooming in on the dinner table of Akatsuki).

Itachi wandered into the dining room, ducking casually as a glass plate came flying past, with his cat following at his heels. Deidara, who was in the process of throwing another plate at Kisame, went white at the sight of the cat and immediately escaped to the relative safety of the kitchen. The Akatsuki leader, who was standing in the darkest spot of the room, his eyes the only part visible, started sneezing as soon as the cat entered the room. He glared at Itachi. "That's it! If that cat isn't gone in the next five seconds I'm kicking you both out of Akatsuki!" Itachi just stared at him blankly, knowing that the leader, for all that he was the leader, didn't have the authority to kick him out. That required a majority vote, curtsey of the democracy system. Yes, the Akatsuki is a democracy. The hidden villages could stand to learn a few things from them.

Back in the kitchen, Deidara had started singing "And the cat came back. And it wouldn't go away. And the cat came baaaack" in a very out-of-tune and high-pitched voice that was followed by the sound of glass breaking and Sasori screaming. There was a loud 'thump' and Deidara came running from the room with a large lump on his head. He cheered up, however, when he spotted Kisame.

"Kisame! Kisame! Guess what Sasori's making for dinner! Shark-fin soup!" Kisame got a strange look on his face before Itachi broke in.

"Deidara, stop making things up. You poured paint all over the last of the shark-fins last night." Deidara paused to consider this.

"Oh yeah. Oops."

Itachi's eye twitched. "I still haven't paid you back for eating my pocky, have I?" Deidara went pale. Everyone knew firsthand how protective Itachi was of his pocky from when he'd found out that Orochimaru had been using it to summon Manta. That hadn't been pretty. In fact, that had been the reason Orochimaru had left the Akatsuki in the first place. Itachi's eye twitched again. Up on the surface, a huge earthquake rocked the foundations of the village.

* * *

"Geez, what's with all the earthquakes." A visiting merchant wondered.

* * *

Back at the base, Itachi was standing in the rubble of what used to be the dining room. Suddenly, his eyes glazed over. "My Sasuke senses are tingling." He muttered before sprinting off towards the exit, leaving Deidara and Kisame, who hadn't gotten out of the room in time, twitching in the rubble. Sasori stuck his head out of the kitchen, which was untouched, and looked at the scene. He sighed and went back to cooking. He was_ not _going to clean that up.

* * *

Well? What do you think? Review and tell me. 


	5. Skills of the Uchiha Part 1

This just a peek into Itachi's life when he was young.

Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto.

Chapter 5: Skills of the Uchiha Part One - The Lesson

Five-year-old Itachi sat on a comfy cushion in the Uchiha Household, staring longingly at the bowl of pocky on the table across the room. His father had forbidden him from eating it as punishment for filling the bathtub with chocolate in his attempt to create his own pocky factory.

The adults hadn't been amused.

Reluctantly prying his gaze from the heavenly treat, the boy looked over at his father, who was looking at him in that serious way that meant he was going to be here a while. Which meant he'd have to wait before he could make a move toward the pocky.

"Now, Itachi." His father began in a grave tone that went completely over the five-year-old's head, as he was currently staring at the pocky again. "Itachi! Pay attention!" Itachi's gaze snapped back to his father.

"As I was saying, you are well on your way to becoming a prominent and respected member of the Uchiha clan. As such, it is time that you learn the most secretly guarded secret of the Uchiha."

Itachi's father paused dramatically and waited for his son to gasp in awe. Itachi just looked at him disinterestedly before his gaze slipped back to the pocky.

Before his father could open his mouth to pretest, Itachi was looking back up at him innocently. His father cleared his throat, irritated. "This is a matter very imprtant to us and it is imperative that you learn it well." He stated firmly. "I am talking, of course, of glaring."

At this, Itachi perked up a little. He had seen various relatives get what they wanted from the rest of the populace simply by casting a glare their way and had often debated on the possiblities of him learning this useful skill. Maybe he could use it to get more pocky. He chuckled evilly, but in his head, because people got freaked out when he did it out loud and threatened to to send him to the padded white room where they didn't serve pocky. Itachi shivered a little in horror.

His father, oblivious of the boy's plotting, smiled as he noticed him paying attention. "Yes, the Ancient Uchiha Art of Glaring. It was created as a way to one-up the Hyuuga and they have since tried to imitate it, though they can never come close to the original. Learn it well, young Uchiha.

"Now, watch me carefully and then try it yourself." Itachi's father narrowed his eyes into the infamous Uchiha Glare that sent the new vase on the table running. The painting, which had been there since the house had been built, scoffed at the vase, having grown used to such glares a long time ago.

Itachi's eyes widened as he watched his father intently. Then he tried it himself. The room behind him turned into molten lava and the air darkened and took on a menacing feel. Itachi grew and towered over his father as the painting, no longer smug, ran after the vase. His father seemed shaken as Itachi smoothly got up off the floor and didn't notice when the prodigy took the bowl of pocky with him as he left the room. Itachi chuckled evilly in his head.

To Be Continued...

Well that's part one of "Skills of the Uchiha." The second part will be coming out very soon (seeing as I've already got two pages written) and will cover the annual Uchiha/Hyuuga Glaring Contest. Be afraid. Be very afraid. (A.N. I'm afraid. I'm very afraid)Here's a preview.

_Itachi followed his father to a large plain where the entire Uchiha family was gathering on one side. On the other end of the plain the head of Hyuuga led the Hyuuga clan to the field. The two leaders stepped forward, meeting each other in the middle. An ANBU stepped nervously between them, clearing his throat._


	6. Skills of the Uchiha Part 2

Here's chapter 6.

Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto.

Chapter 6: Skills of the Uchiha Part Two - The Contest

Itachi followed his father to a large plain where the entire Uchiha family was gathering on one side. On the other end of the plain the head of Hyuuga led the Hyuuga clan to the field. The two leaders stepped forward, meeting each other in the middle. An ANBU stepped nervously between them, clearing his throat.

"The rules are the same as they've always been. No jutsu, no punching, no kicking, no poking people in the eyes." at this the jounin looked pointedly at Hiashi, who attempted to look innocent. Looking innocent has never been a strong point of the Hyuuga. "The family that cows first loses, while the other wins and is declared the better family until the next glaring contest."

"Yeah, yeah. We know already!" A random Uchiha yelled from the crowd. "Just start the contest."

"Um, yeah." The ANBU was noticeably nervous around the potentially rabid shinobi clans. They always went a little crazy around this time of year. "Without further ado, let's begin the tournament!" Immediately the field broke out into chaos, as Uchiha and Hyuuga faced down in the biggest (and only) annual fight in Konoha. There was no audience. The casualty rate had  
been too high. The point of the contest, glaring, was, as usual, quickly and completely forgotten.

"Hey!" The referee yelled as a Hyuuga kunoichi started punching an Uchiha kunoichi who, apparently, had grievously wronged the Hyuuga at some point in her life. Nevermind the fact that they had never met before. At the referee's voice, she turned and threw a fistful of shuriken at him. By this time other shinobi had noticed the fight and were joining in. Hiashi  
tackled an Uchiha from behind and started poking him in the eyes. When the referee waded in to pull them apart he poked the referee in the eye and ran off, laughing maniacally.

Somewhere in the middle, Itachi was ducking between the adults' legs, stealing any pocky they happened to be carrying with them. Which, surprisingly, was quite a bit. The oldest shinobi clans were notorious for their sweet tooths. He reached into one pocket, pulling out a stick of ango. Looking at it in disappointment, he threw it away carelessly.

Somewhere else in Konoha, a young Anko shouted out "sacrilege!" from the middle of the dinner table. Her parents looked at her strangely.

Meanwhile, back at the field, Itachi's father had squared off against iashi, glaring evilly at him. Hiashi smirked before glaring back.  
Suddenly, Shisui was thrown into Hiashi, sending them both to the ground. Two Hyuuga followed, an insane glint in their eyes. Itachi's father quickly rallied the nearby Uchiha and dove into the fray himself. All proper shinobi techniques and grace were forgotten as the contest degenerated into a fistfight. Not that it was anything new.

The ANBU referee just threw up his hands and backed out of reach of any stray punches. He didn't even know why he had to be there. Nobody had ever fought fair in these fights since Konoha had been founded.

A Hyuuga went in for Itachi's father, but got backsided and spun into Itachi, crushing the bag of pocky he'd collected. A strange look came into the boy's eyes, and the Uchiha all backed away. The Hyuuga, however, didn't know any better.

"Hey." The Hyuuga, who we shall call Bobby, said arrogantly, which was his first mistake. Nobody spoke arrogantly to Itachi, it just wasn't done. His second mistake was what he said next. "It was only a little candy, what are you so upset about?"

Itachi looked up slowly and Bobby started to get nervous, as much from the look in the child's eyes as the hush that had fallen over the Uchiha.

"Just...candy?" He whispered softly, dangerously. His eyes narrowed into a glare that summoned stormclouds into the sky, plunging the field into darkness. Thunder crashed in the distance and even the grass shied away from his glance.

Bobby took off running, followed by the rest of the Hyuuga family. The Uchiha family, after a moment of shock, started cheering wildly. Except Itachi, who was sucking contentedly on a piece of pocky Shisui had wisely given him. They hadn't had a victory like this since the Yondaime, then still an ANBU, had refereed the match.

_Flashback_

"Hey, break it up!" Arashi yelled out so forcefully at a fistfight that had broken out that they actually paused before ignoring him. Needless to say, the ANBU didn't take this very well. "I said break it up!"

He waded in then and proceeded to break up the fight himself, which was quite a feat considering there were, by then, more than a dozen highly trained shinobi involved. Said shinobi, unused to being interrupted during the contest (most of the referees were scared silly at the sight of the two most powerful shinobi clans in Konoha going temporarily insane), stopped what they were doing and stared. In fact, the entire field came to a sudden standstill. Even Hiashi paused to consider the unusual referee.

The silence stretched on for several minutes, as nobody was quite sure what to do next. Not even Arashi seemed to know what to say. It would probably have stretched on longer, but Hiashi's attention span tended to get markedly shorter around this time of year, kinda like the full moon. Actually, the whole thing seemed to act like a yearly full moon that made all the members of the clans go crazy. Several villagers had even had a vote to decide what to call it, eventually settling on Clanathropy.

However, upon presenting the idea to the council they laughed so hard that several of the older members had to be rushed to the hospital. The matter was never brought up again, out of respect for the elders of the village. Anyway, Hiashi's attention span ran out after about a minute, after which he spent a couple of minutes dazed when his mind decided to take a short nap. It did that sometimes, and the Hyuuga politely ignored it to spare their leader some dignity. The Uchiha weren't quite so respectful, and took advantage of it every chance they could. Such as now, where the nearest Uchiha were gleefully poking. This didn't do anything to calm Arashi, who  
had never liked being ignored, and his eye was currently twitching.

"That's it!" The future Hokage finally exploded, and the other shinobi actually had the gall to look surprised. "If you won't listen to me I'll get someone you will listen to!"

Having said this, he reached into his coat and held up a stick of pocky dramatically. The shinobi just blinked at him. So he had a stick of pocky, so what? Most of them carried at least one on them at all times. Things started to go a little strange when a figure clamped on to the ANBU's upraised hand from out of nowhere with a cry of "pocky!"

The figure itself was strange enough to draw quite a few stares, with fox ears poking up through long, blood-red hair and a tail the same color. His eyes were also red and were slitted. He had an aura that would have been impressively menacing if the owner hadn't currently been latched on to Arashi's hand looking remarkably like a kitten.

The shinobi blinked again. This had never happened before. Arashi turned to the kitsune and spoke politely.

"Kyuubi." He began, and the fox looked up from where he was now sitting on the ground contentedly munching on the pocky. "These people have been fighting each other all day and have completely crushed the pocky they have  
with them because they didn't care enough to protect it."

Kyuubi's eyes widened at this atrocity, and when he turned to the crowd they had a dangerous glint in them. "You...crushed...it?" He hissed, the aura coming out full blast now that he was standing up. he stepped threateningly forward and the shinobi began to think that they were in big trouble. One of the younger Uchiha squeaked as the kitsune's glare passed over her, dropping a piece of crushed pocky on the ground. Big mistake. Kyuubi's eyes widened as he caught sight of the candy. "You...you killed it!" He shrieked. It should now be noted, for clarification purposes, that the young woman in question was none other than the Uchiha leader's wife. Who was currently three weeks pregnant with Itachi. This was not a good thing.

The enraged kitsune pointed one clawed finger at the kunoichi dramatically and announced, equally dramatically, "for your crimes against the all-powerful, sugary treat known as pocky, I shall curse the baby that lies in your womb. He shall have the proper respect for pocky and will one day exact revenge on his clan for their crimes." he said this in such an ominous voice that it sent shudders down the spine of every shinobi present. Even Arashi, and he was on Kyuubi's good side. Then the kitsune continued, this time to the Hyuuga. "And if I see any of you still here after five minutes I'll be giving you a curse, too!"

The field was empty of Hyuuga in three seconds. Arashi whistled. "You have to teach me how to do that."

_End Flashback_

Remembering this, all the Uchiha looked nervously at Itachi, who just stared up at them innocently, pocky stick in his mouth.

And that is the real reason Itachi killed his whole clan.


	7. The Real Reason Kyuubi Attacked Konoha

This is just random, funny crack with very little to do with Itachi. However, this is tied in with the last drabbles so I hope you don't mind.

Written by RBMIfan

Disclaimer: RBMIfan does not own Naruto and company. She uses them for the same reason I use them: entertainment.

The Real Reason Kyuubi Attacked Konoha

It was a sunny afternoon in Konoha, as said village's Hokage relaxed in a forest clearing, happily eating a bowl of ramen. He was in a very good mood today, since his secretary had called in sick he'd been able to take the whole day off.

He barely looked up as a shadow fell over him. "Hey Kyuubi."

The kitsune looked at the bowl curiously. "Why are you eating that when you could be eating pocky?" He asked, pointing to the bowl of pocky beside the Yondaime.

Konoha's Yellow Flash just looked at Kyuubi strangely. "Because ramen's better, of course."

"Kyuubi's eye twitched. "Did the sun fry the few brain cells you have? Anyone can tell that pocky is the best food ever. Well," He amended, "anyone except those stuffy clans."

"What are you talking about? Ramen is the best food ever. How could you consider that those disgustingly sweet sticks that pass for candy even come close to the best food ever?" The Yondaime isn't known for his common sense.

"Apologize!"

"No!"

"You..." The Kyuubi's eyes widened in horror. "I can't believe I ever _liked_ you! You'll regret this!"

Yondaime began to think he made a mistake when Kyuubi started reverting to his natural form. Finishing his ramen in one gulp, he bolted to the village.

* * *

The shinobi started mobilizing as soon as they spotted the angry Kyuubi. "Where is the Hokage?" An ANBU captain asked. Just then said Hokage burst through the door.

"I didn't do it!" The whole room went silent, starting at him. "I mean... the Kyuubi is going to attack the village! I don't know who sent it, but it won't listen to reason."

"What should we do?" The fact that the Yondaime and Kyuubi were actually close friends wasn't a well-known fact, so the other shinobi were more than ready to believe that the Kyuubi was evil.

The battle went badly. The Yondaime was on the frontlines when he remembered something. He rushed to his office and rooted around until he found a scroll. Smiling evilly, he made his way to where Kyuubi was.

"Kyuubi! I have the means to defeat you! Give up now and I'll consider showing you mercy!"

"Fat chance. Do, your worst puny human."

"Okay I will." The Yondaime began to perform the jutsu, Trapping Kyuubi. Then he had a dilemma. He didn't know where to seal Kyuubi.

"you think this can stop me? I thought you were the strongest shinobi in Konoha! You're weak! And your ramen is disgusting!"

Yondaime's eyes narrowed. He then decided that just any host was too god for Kyuubi. No, he needed to find a host that Kyuubi would hate. His eyes fell upon his newborn son, who just happened to be lying nearby. Despite his youth, the boy was already eyeing a ramen stand down the street. Perfect.

He finished the jutsu, sealing the Kyuubi into a baby destined to like ramen as much as his father did. The Kyuubi's scream of horror when he realized who the host was echoed through the night.

And that's what really happened.

* * *

So what do you think? 


	8. Akatsuki Meeting

Another drabble about Itachi's life in the Akatsuki. This time we get to view an Akatsuki meeting...

Akatsuki Meeting

The Leader shuffled the papers in front of him, not even trying to figure out what was on them. Grammar and spelling weren't high on the list of priorities in the shinobi academies. It wasn't like anyone would notice that he wasn't following the agenda. He wasn't sure most of them knew what an agenda was. Which explained a lot. At least most of them were here this time, unlike the last meeting when Deidara had convinced everyone the meeting was cancelled and they could all go have teatime. The Leader hadn't seen the meeting room so deserted since Kisame had been forced to cook and accidentally got some of Sasori's poison in the food.

Currently, Itachi was busy swiping the bowl of pocky and hiding it under his cloak. The surprising part of it was that nobody noticed expect Kisame, who was used to these kinds of things.

The explosive expert in the group, Deidara, was playing with his clay toys. The people sitting next to him jumped every time he said 'boom' as he crashed one of his warships into another one. Deidara was known to make his little reactions a little too realistic at times, usually ending in the destructions of a room or two (or ten), so nobody could blame the others for being a little jumpy whenever Deidara and clay were seen within a hundred feet of each other.

There was only one door in the room, since Kakuzu refused to buy anything that wasn't absolutely necessary. Which made for pretty boring meals, but that's beside the point. Presently it was being used by one of the missing members, walking in late with a bag over her head. The Leader sighed; she was having an identity crisis again.

"Okay, now let's get to the purpose of the meeting. First let's review the goals…"

The Leader was interrupted by the door opening and Sasori walked in. Whatever it was that had made him late, he hadn't come out of it unscathed, as he was carrying both his arms in his mouth. Sitting down beside Deidara, he spat them out on to the fold up table they'd stolen from the local convenience store, along with the chairs.

"What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it." Tobi flinched at the puppetmaster's tone. This was the first time he'd seen Sasori in a really bad mood, so he hadn't developed those particular survival skills.

"Continuing on…" The Leader said resignedly as Deidara began deftly reattaching Sasori's arms. It was obvious this wasn't the first time he'd done this. "We must work faster at finding and obtaining the demons…"

"Is the meeting over yet?" Tobi tended to whine whenever he had to stay still for longer than five minutes at a time.

"Why don' you watch the clock and find out?" Kisame tended to get irritable whenever he had to attend these meetings.

There was a pause. Tobi stood up, turned his chair around and sat down staring intently at the clock (the clock had been bought by the Akatsuki pooling their pocket money, since Kakuzu had deemed clocks unnecessary as well and the store that sold them had gotten good security after they'd stolen the last five clocks). Kisame blinked at this, then shrugged; if he wanted to be literal about it that was his problem.

Zetsu was sitting quietly at the end of the table muttering with himself. He did that a lot, and it was still freaked most of the Akatsuki out. Of course, the Akatsuki creeped each other out on a regular basis, so nobody really noticed.

Kisame was getting impatient again. This meeting was taking _forever_. He then did what he always did when he was bored, and whipped out Samehade and a polishing cloth. Unfortunately when he did this, he hit Hidan, who was sitting beside him, on the head (which, for the record, should have left him drooling on the floor). Itachi put in his earplugs at the point, put his head down and promptly fell asleep. He wanted no part of this. Deidara had turned his head to watch the ensuing fight, forgetting for a moment that when putting puppets back together you should watch what you were doing.

"Deidara! My arm doesn't bend that way!" Sasori had no qualms about reminding him.

"Dude, do you know how much that hurts? Seriously." The drama was beginning. It would have been more exciting if this kind of thing wasn't so common.

"Shut up! Go… surf or something!" Kisame wasn't very good at insults.

"Are you making fun of my accent?" Hidan was a bit sensitive about this.

Deidara piped in at this point. "You have an accent, un?"

"Are you seriously that clueless?"

Hidan forgot to take into account the fact that Sasori doesn't take kindly to people insulting his minions/underlings. "Hey! Nobody makes fun of Deidara except me!"

Itachi didn't even flinch as the four shinobi (Deidara jumped in because he was bored) duked it out on the table. Kakuzu, trying very hard to ignore the fight beside him, attempted to strike up conversation with the Leader, who was droning about finances now.

"…so, we'll have to adjust the savings account to…"

"Leader, if we-"

"Raise your hand!" Kakuzu rolled his eyes and raised his hand. "Yes, Kakuzu?"

"Leader, if we adjust the savings account like that we'll have to deal with interest and taxes."

"No we wouldn't."

"Yes we would."

"No."

"Yes."

It was at this point the folding table decided to give out. Itachi, who was still sleeping, happened to roll towards the Leader as the table fell. He grabbed hold of the Leader's shadow cloak as he went down, mumbling something about 'Mr. Fluffy.'

The Leader, deprived of his precious shadows, panicked and fled the room, lest the other members see his face.

Tobi was the first to realise that since the Leader was no longer there the meeting was no longer in session. "It's over!" he shouted brightly, getting up and running out of the room.

The other members, upon digesting this information, cheered and stampeded out of the room. As the smoke faded, it revealed Kisame regarding the sleep Itachi, trying to decide how badly the Uchiha would kill him for moving him without his permission. Deciding that what Itachi didn't know wouldn't hurt, the shark-nin picked up his partner and the others.

End

Enjoy and let me know what you think!


	9. Sasuke's Revenge

Disclaimer: We don't own Naruto

This drabble's been on the backburner for…a long time.

Notes: For the purposes of this drabble, Blue-Hair's name is Yuri.

**Sasuke's Revenge**

For the first time in his life, Sasuke realized exactly why ANBU and Hunter-nin were never put on the same missions. When the Hokage had warned him that the two groups didn't get along, he hadn't thought it would be _this_ bad. He was currently sitting on the floor, because all of the chairs in the Hokage's tower had mysteriously disappeared a week ago, watching about twenty ANBU engage in a heated glaring contest with about twenty hunter-nin (Sasuke had been informed that he was extraordinarily lucky to get that many, as there was a shortage of skilled shinobi in Konoha. Sasuke thought the pathetic Academy curriculum might have something to do with that, but he'd kept his thoughts to himself). The glaring match was actually quite impressive, even to an Uchiha like Sasuke. If you looked closely, you could see blue and yellow sparks pass through the five feet separating the two teams of shinobi. (1)

He sighed. This was going to be a long journey. But it was worth it. He was finally going to get his revenge on Itachi. Ever since Naruto had dragged him back kicking and screaming from his attempted defection five years ago, he'd planned through this carefully. It was the only way Tsunade would let him, after all. After making him promise never to take off without warning again, Naruto had enthusiastically agreed to help him train (and nearly killed him while experimenting with the Rasengan, but that was besides the point). Sakura had agreed to help, as well, after punching him halfway across the continent for running away. Said jounin were currently in the information wing checking for any new reports by the scouts they'd dispatched two years ago to located the base. They would leave in an hour. Or whenever the ANBU and hunter-nins finished their glaring match, whichever came first.

* * *

For some reason, Itachi had had a strange sense of dread all morning. He had checked his entire bedroom and there were no pranks. He had checked that his toothpaste was still in the bathroom and untampered with, and that the sugar they were hiding from Sasori was safe (contrary to popular belief, Deidara handled sugar quite well. It was Sasori who went a little…strange…upon eating it). None of the booby traps outside the base had been triggered, and the scouts that had been stalking them for the past two years were in their usual spot.

Out of curiosity (and because it was driving him crazy. More so than he was already), he asked the other Akatsuki members if they'd been having similar feelings. Sasori admitted that he'd been too busy fretting over how much work the dinner party that evening would be (one of their leader's brilliant ideas, every year the Akatsuki and the Sound Village would have a reunion, since the Sound Village's leader was an ex-member) to notice anything like that. Deidara and Kisame confessed to being uneasy (and for Deidara that was highly unusual), Hidan was praying and thus off-limits to questions (he tended to get violent when interrupted), and Kakuzu hadn't noticed anything (so whatever it was did not threaten the group's finances, at least). Zetsu, of course, was nowhere to be found (he'd apparently dragged Tobi to some lake or other to teach him how to swim), and their leader was still pouting over the comment Yuri had made about his hair (said kunoichi had also disappeared, presumable to recuperate from the consequences of making such a comment to the leader's face).

"Say." Kisame began after a thoughtful silence, "d'you think maybe Sasuke's caught up to you?"

Itachi blinked. In truth, he'd forgotten all about his brother's little revenge quest. Five years was a reasonable amount of time to get stronger, and it would explain both the scouts and the feeling of dread. He thought for a while. "If he shows up, we'll invite him to the dinner party." Which said a lot about how much of a threat the older Uchiha felt his younger brother was.

"I'll go dismantle the traps!" Deidara offered before bolting from the room. Itachi had about two seconds to wonder why before Sasori poked his head out of the kitchen and declared that everybody was to help make pancakes, on order of the leader.

* * *

"They're still there?" Naruto asked the scouts when the group finally arrived.

"Yes." The two scouts looked overjoyed at the group's arrival. Once Sasuke was finished with the Akatsuki, they would be returning to Konoha with the group. Naruto supposed that sitting out here watching a stationary target would get incredibly boring before long. Sasuke certainly didn't seem keen on waiting, and had taken off as soon as the scouts had confirmed Itachi's presence.

"Hey, wait up, Sasuke!" Thus the first ever attack on the Akatsuki base began.

'_What are we doing again?'_ a familiar voice asked sleepily in Naruto's head. Naruto groaned inwardly. Kyuubi was the last person (err, demon) he wanted to talk to right now.

'_We're raiding the Akatsuki base. Now be quiet, or I'll get __distracted.'_ The last thing he needed was for people to realize that the Kyuubi wasn't quite as sealed as they thought he was, and in fact had been talking to his host for a good ten years now.

'_Well, excuse me.'_ The demon sounded put out, and Naruto could just see him crossing his arms petulantly. In his human form, of course, as visualizing a fox crossing his arms is very unnerving, not to mention strange. Kyuubi couldn't actually assume human form, but an eight year old Naruto had cajoled him into coming up with one for just such occasions.

While this dialogue was taking place, the entire groups had arrived at the Akatsuki base, which was suspiciously free of anything remotely resembling a security system. Sasuke pushed on the door, which swung open easily. The hallway was completely deserted.

'_I thought the scouts said they were still here,'_ Kyuubi commented.

Naruto frowned, this was very peculiar. Of course, the Akatsuki as a whole was very peculiar, so he supposed there might be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this.

"You know," one of the ANBU commented nervously, "most of our scouts spend years at a time out of touch with Konoha. It would be very easy for one of them to go missing-nin (2)." Everyone paused and looked at each other.

Sasuke shook his head impatiently. "We don't have time to worry about that. They're probably just overconfident."

'_Is it just me, or has Sasuke gotten stupider?'_ Kyuubi wondered curiously. Naruto mentally glared at him, but had to agree.

Nevertheless, everyone went in. They all knew by now that getting between Sasuke and his brother was a very bad idea. They walked silently through the hall until they heard voices. They sped up, until they were all standing in front of a door. The voices were coming from the other side.

Readying themselves, they burst through the door. And were met with the sight of five Akatsuki members wearing pink frilly aprons and cooking pancakes. Hidan was trying to cut the frills off his apron, but was being held down by Kakuzu as he lectured his partner on just how much those aprons had cost. Sasori had just forced a matching pink hat on Itachi's head, and said Uchiha looked as if he was in the mood to dismantle puppets. Kisame was the only person actually cooking, albeit with a sullen face.

The two groups stared at each other for a while. Itachi, after yanking the offending hat off his head and depositing it onto Sasori's, immediately started heading toward Naruto, only to trip what seemed like thin air (but was actually one of Sasori's charka strings).

'_I'm embarrassed to say he's related to me,'_ Kyuubi admitted mournfully (3). Naruto decided he didn't want to know.

"We'll come back later," Naruto suggested before grabbing Sasuke and bolting.

* * *

Outside, Orochimaru blinked as he watched the ANBU run away. Shrugging it off, he led his subordinates (no matter how many times the Akatsuki leader insisted on calling them minions) into the base for the dinner. He was sure the Akatsuki Leader wouldn't mind if they were a little early.

**End **

1) This is foreshadowing for a drabble/fic we've come up with.

2) See Note #1

3) And we're going to leave this tidbit for your overactive imaginations to drive you crazy with.


End file.
